Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
