Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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