i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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