He had one of those small greek statue penises
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
