I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I think we might need a safe word for this...
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
