oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
