tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
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