Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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