This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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