im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
