took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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