does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
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