I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
My ATM looks so different sober.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Randomize
