If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
