hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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