If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Randomize
