I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
