explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Sober January is a disaster.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
