I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
