the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize
