Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Randomize
