i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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