So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Randomize
