Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
