Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
