If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
