My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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