This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
