I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
