My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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