So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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