Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
