my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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