[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
