is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
