She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
