You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
