I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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