I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I just want to make out with him forever
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
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