don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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