I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
