she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
