who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
