You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
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