Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
