call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
