but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
