woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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