Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I just want nice things and good sex
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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