I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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