yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Randomize
